I Am...

Life Lesson #172 and more dead elephants

2010-06-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

I recently heard the quote, "Life is like a cigarette, smoke it to the butt." This is my new found motto. Life is too short to live it anyway but, the way you want it, to the end. I know what your thinking Bleaders, "what happened to funny blogging girl?" don't worry, she will shortly return.
Most of us in the world are filling expectations of other people, and forget their ultimate dreams. This is because the expectations, most of the time, are more accessible than what we want for ourselves. Remember when I talked about the man? Well, the man is also other peoples expectations, and I will no longer let the man tell me what to be. I will obtain my own goals, and change according to only me, on my own time line.
This was all brought to my attention this past week, when I was faced with one of the most painful situations in my life. The hurt from this event will haunt me for months to come.
But, it was worth it. I learned who my true friends are and I learned a lot about myself.
All I have to say is, live being who YOU want to be.

Moving on, B, Shane, Vanessa and I went to the zoo. I am a morning person but we got up even too early for me! And the only reason I would consider getting up to go to the zoo again is a chance to see my good old elephant friend Reba traipsing about in an actively entertaining manner. It was 9 in the morning, already well over 100% fahrenheit, and I felt as though my skin was literally melting off my bones. Of course as tour guide B finally led us to Gods best creation on this planet, there was poor Reba, lying in the shade, eyes closed, and cursing Arizona heat just as I was. I suggested we get a slurpee, and go home.

Licence plate theme

2010-06-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

WANG...teeheehee. I don't know why I thought this was funny, but it just is. It's probably some nice Asian man in his little Asian Honda. All I saw was something a little more...what's the word?....FALIC?

Look, a fellow Thompson, in a fellow Mormon mini van.

Thank you sir for rubbing that in my face, I am already aware of my vertical challengement. Maybe my license plate should say HITELESS(get it?)

Random happenings

2010-06-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

Ultimate nachos!! served on my cheese platter. This delectible dinner made by Shane, Venessa, B, and I includes, refried beans, buffalo meat, guac., cheese, pico de gio, olives, more cheese, and sour cream...do not attempt at home...made by trained professionals.

I collect pictures of license plates that I feel were meant for me. All you have to do is look at this and... nuff said!

This is the facial expression I induce on every child... unhappiness and pure fear! Meet Rylan, my friend Joslyn's daughter. She soon warmed up to me after I gave her a handful of skittles. 10 minutes after I took this picture B was exciting her by chasing her around Tempe Marketplace, the mall I work at, and while lifting her shirt to flash us Rylan simultaniously wet her pants, and urine ran down her legs to the ground in a puddle.

One relaxing evening this week, B and I decided to have Shane draw tats on us with sharpie. I chose an old school mic with Elvis hair on my wrist... this was my third choice after I couldn't find a decent picture of cheese or elephants on google images.

Oh, to be 21 again

2010-06-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

Today is B's 21st anniversary of the day she emerged from her mothers womb. We started the day right by snorting a couple powdered, jelly filled, donuts at Safeway. As we were inhaling our donut we got quite a show. There was a African American mother and her 2 kids. one of the kids was bouncing a ball over and over again. The mother turns around and says, "let me see that for a minute", in a sweet voice. The boy hands his ball to his mother, and she chucks it hard out the front of the store into the parking lot. It was EPIC. This is why I love black people, they know how to raise their children right!

Our group of friends met at my cousins for B's birthday cake/pie. And as everyone knows its tradition to get a spank for every year alive. I thought I would get the honor of doing the spanking, but my dear friend Shane took charge and spanked with the strength and power of He-Man! As B doubled over with her buttocks on fire she says, "I was expecting spanks like sweet butterfly kisses from Amy" Is this a compliment to my long, strong eyelashes, or an insult to my lack of arm muscle?

After permanently damaging B's bum, we all headed to The Big Bang, a bar with dueling pianos, to permanently damage B's dignity. B was asked on stage and humiliated with a very sexual birthday song and promptly given a free shot of tequila, which she gave to a couple of guys at the table behind us. We bar hopped over to Fat Tuesdays for more belittlement and the ancient Japanese art of karaoke. Here B was given more spankings, a lap dance, and epically failed at singing .

It was her best Birthday ever

The things I do for money, restraunts that run out of food, cooking=prozac, and my pacemaker is a decepticon

2010-06-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

Friday & Sat.
Friday evening, a couple of my friends and I drove up to B's cabin again to make some cold hard cash and spend time with her father Morely. Morely was offering us 10 buckaroos an hour to clean the cabin, and other cowboyish tasks for the men to do. This trip truly proved to me that if you took a beard and put it on B's face you would have an exact replica of Morely. Scary. We stopped in Globe at some po dunk trailer looking restaraunt with the word hog somewhere in the name. i was super excited because they are supposed to be well known for their jalapeno corn bread. In my food pyramid there are 3 food groups; cheese, cornbread, & mash potatoes.(in that order) Good cheese is easy to find, but good cornbread is a dying breed. So, we sit down and this chick with five names and a mullet is waiting on us. The rest of the group orders, and when she gets to me, I say my coined phrase, "all I want is some cornbread". Then the most horrifying thing happens, Phillis sue jean mullet head tells me they are completely out! The nerve! Then I ask for a side of mash potatoes and gravy instead. They were completely out. In my book, this meant there was no food to order, and when a resturaunt is out of food, I would say its closing time. (the above picture is my reaction to this disgusting ordeal) I ended up ordering a a burger with swiss and blue cheese. At least they had something on my pyramid.

The next morning we woke up at the butt crack of dawn, had breakfast and got to work. I cleaned that cabin from top to bottom for a straight 12 hours. by the end I could barely move. This was the most manual labor I have done in my entire life! Never again will I sink to this level to pay a phone bill. I passed by the first 23 years of my life with only doing lite house work, and this made up for all that time.

Before we headed home, we stopped at the lodge to socialize and eat free food. There we met some local celebs, and i was hoping to meet a single wealthy beau I could marry. No dice in that department. But, I did meet the father of the baby in the movie Raising Arizona starring Nicolas Cage, and the owner of The Coffee Shop, a hot spot among all the cool kids(which is why I had never heard of it). After everyone but me had sufficiently stuffed themselves with fried chicken headed on a gassy ride home. Seriously, everyone had the worst farts ever!

Sunday
I love B...in small doses mostly. She is my bestest friend in the world, but man she knows how to push my buttons. We have a "love to be haters" relationship. This is ghetto speak for we love to annoy and fight with each other. I have abnormally low blood pressure, but get me in the same room for longer than an hour with B and my blood pressure is at the other end of the spectrum.I have just spent 2 weekends cooped up in a cabin with B. Sunday is a day of rest, and a day to be B free. B had been in my apartment all day and i just couldn't take it. My blood pressure boiled over into a high pitched scream...soon after B left, and I began to cook like a mad woman. Instantly, I felt human again instead of a giant monstrous squid of rage.

Monday: Today

I made the time consuming trek to my parent's house this morning to pick up my brother's truck. My dad inconvieniently borrowed my car to take him, my bro, and sis to Utah. Recently my parents got a tune up on the truck and supposedly it is runs smoother. I hate driving the truck. Whenever anyone sees me get out of it, they always make comments like. " Omg, That's totally like the truck Bella drives in Twilight (hair flip)". I hate Twilight. That series is a skid mark on the reputation of all the classic vampire literature. I pull out of the drive way and down the street toward a gas station, I soon relize that it takes all of my upper body strength to turn around corners. The power steering is completely shot! so naturally I take it back to the mechanic that just fixed it, spending the 20 bucks I just put in the tank. I let my friend Shane take the wheel, because he's a personal trainer and is less likely to wreck due to lack of upper body muscle. As soon as we pull into the complex of Mesa Auto Works, the power steering kicks in and works just fine. This can only mean one thing...My pacemaker is a decepticon. I have a running history of jamming up electronics, and I lay the fault on my pacemaker. It must be using its magnetic force feild to make electronics malfunction and give me static cling and a frizzy Jew fro.

Dead elephants, kids say the darndest things, and my day isn't cheesy enough

2010-06-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

8 am: I awake to my cellular module alarm. Lie in my sleepyness for what seemed like 5 minutes but was really 15.
8:15 am: wake my stinky snoring roommate who sleeps under my bed like the boogey man. I start to think about what to wear...UNTIL...
8:27 am: ADD moment. I sit on the couch, stare into the great unknown, pour a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, eat 2 bites, give the rest to my bff B who has arrived early. sit on the couch again.
8:40 am: I decide what to wear. Jeans, white t-shirt, boy scout uniform shirt, holy moccasins. Put my hairs in pig tails.
9:03 am: Head out to the zoo.

There is only one purpose in going to the zoo...to see the ELEPHANTS!!!
Of course B, who volunteers at the zoo, had to play tour guide, and show me every other kind of animal first leaving me short elephant time. Although, we did see other animals I was slightly interested in, such as the rhinos (But, this was because I made my first theatrical debut in A Midsummer's Night Dream as a smoldering rhino wall), I was very perturbed at the notion that the great majestically trunked animals were last on the list.
One of the most interesting creatures we came across was a jr. look alike to my ginger headed roommate Cassi. Cassi is a very unique individual with rituals and mannerisms that are exclusive to only her, until we came face to face with Cassi mini-me. She had the exact hip swaying step in her walk, the glasses, wedgie picking, purple rectangle framed glasses, and carried a journal in her bag. It was the most fascinating thing I came in contact with all day! I kind wanted to put her in my pocket and bring her home.
finally we reached the African animals and there in the distance was Reba, a massively beautiful Elephant lying dead in the dirt...ok...she wasn't dead, but she might as well have been, because she wasn't doing anything. I was severely distressed and disappointed and wanted a Slurpee.
We saw some more stupid animals, and head home so i could get ready for work.

12 pm: As You Wish Pottery- The greatest job i have ever had! Anyone who knows anything about me knows that there are 3 things I hate in this universe 1) most animals 2) Babies/ kids 3)work in any form. I hardly consider my job work. I get paid to use my creativity and teach others to use theres. Most of the peoples who come in to paint pottery are under the age of 10, and they are the smartest most interesting homosapians on this planet.
Today for instance: An Asian girl painting a bowl came up to me and said that this was the 4th time she had come into paint. she was making a set of bowls, one bowl designated to a type of breakfast cereal she ate. That's my kind of kid, plus she was Asian. OCD and Asian, the best kind of genetic combination. I would like to adopt her.

4 pm - 7:30pm: Nothing worth mentioning happened, jut some vegging and more OCD moments.

8pm: pool party at some stranger's house, I went for the free food, which was disappointing. Anyway, there was this pretty attractive male who kept hitting on me and alluding that he wanted me to go home with him. After several attempts for me to catch on, he finally came out and and just said, "so, do you wanna come home with me?" Conveniently, I had just read Chelsea Handlers book, My Horizontal Life, which taught me how to turn a BOY down. Notice how I emphasize boy. Although he was 3 years my senior and very hot, his social interactions were that of a high school jock. I was like, "listen, there are plenty of other guys here that wanna take me home, and you aren't on the top of the list. If you want to climb that ladder, your gonna have to do something amazing." That was the end of that. It was the cherry on top of my sundae!

Time is an allusion, meal times doubly so.

2010-06-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

It was already dark when, my roommates and I, left our dreary desertous city of Tempe. We were all packed into my favorite ginger friends blue VDub. The trip was mostly silent as all except the driver dozed in and out of sleep and the erratic giggles escaping from my lips as I read Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal life. At sun rise we reached the cool windy beaches of California. We took pictures, put our feet in the sand, and collected treasures on the shore. I myself was drawn to 4 pieces of beach glass bedazzling the sand, that now bedazzle a pocket in my duffle bag. We meandered around the city waiting for our couchsurfing friends to invite us in their home. We stopped at Color Me Mine where I interviewed for my dream job. I owned the interview and landed the job like an Olympic gymnast lands a beam routine. Then we napped in the car across from a park where hobos were also napping. Then the call finally came. We anxiously waited outside Old Blue the VDub for our new friend to greet us in the driveway. Standing tall, with wild dirty blond hair, and a beer belly Homer Simpson would be proud of stood Austin and greeted us with a, "whats goin down guys, welcome" The house was historic and welcoming, and once roofed celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor and Val Kilmer. You could hear the age and experience of the walls;The sound of ghosts that threatened to violate us in our sleep. Our 3 day tour was mostly business, but there was still time for killing nazi zombies, and drinking celebrities in the form of cold creamy milky & chocolatey goodness. 2 of 4 have jobs, only 2 more to go. Back to the land of AZ we drove in record time, recooped, and the next hot and blistering morning, we again escaped the heat and headed to a cabin in Rosecreek. The weekend was full of eating, eating, some hiking, and more eating. Buffalo meat was on the menu for most meals, which reaked havoc and cursed us coming out the other end. We laughed so hard sometimes that one of us peed their pants. The best was our dear friend Moorley, a wanna be cowboy with an untrained horse Buckshot a.k.a. Stampy. His coined phrase, "oh ya, Grandma" kept us rolling. Our little retreat in the out doors also led us to refreshing pools of water connected by rock slides made by mother earth. A magical oasis that reminded me of my childhood. The week ended abruptly back in the sweltering concrete city. It was the most surreal experience of my life. I had lost track of days, and time, and reality. The week seemed like months past. Now theres only life...real life.

I will not succomb to The Man!

2010-05-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

Well I guess my rabbits grave is cursed forever. I confess, it has been months since my last Blog. As my roommate Cassi always says, i suck at life. Here's the story, short and sweet. I moved again to a smaller apartment with 3 roommates, 2 ferrets, and a boa. I have a job at American Eagle, and As You Wish Pottery. I am moving again with all my roommates to Cali, where I just got a job at Color Me Mine, and will be relocating in 4 weeks if all goes according to plan. There, now I can move on. Broke...I am so BROKE!!! I have been finding whatever money possible to pay the bills, and somehow I'm gonna make it happen. I am a raging hippie who hates to be confined by anything, especially shoes and money. Money = The Man, and my friends The Man has got me down. No amount of incense burning or records playing in the dark can release this bondage. My creative soul is being crushed into grains of sand.If I can get past this week I might actually attend church by my own will. That's all I have to say for now, i will fill you in on the adventures I have had this past week in my next installment.

Back to school

2010-01-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Bleaders,

I wish back to school was still a "You've Got Mail Moment." With the smell of a freshly sharpened bouquet of pencils, new lined paper waiting to be doodled on, walking hand in hand with a friend on a crisp Autumn morning. I miss those days. Now its driving around the parking lot looking for a parking spot, unforgiving college professors who only give leniency to those that are hairs away from death. Curse this wretched day! The day I go back to school! I already have financial burdens; I don't need the weight of homework. Speaking of financial burden, still no luck on the job hunt. Although that is due to the fact that I have not yet made the trip to the mall.

In other news,

I have begun the search for my biological parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment! It took one form to start the process. I though it would take a novel sized packet of forms and some lawyers at the least. Alas, a single piece of parchment will lead to the revelation of my ancestry.(Anne of Green Gables moment)

I imagine my biological parents are rock stars, or actors, or perhaps just very Jewish. Don't get me wrong, I'm satisfied with my current situation, but the thought of possibly making the tabloids has definitely crossed my mind. I could be famous for being famous...like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

I will keep you updated on my star status.

Till the morrow,

Amy

P.s. In the picture above, would you say I'm a lioness or an eskimo?

I swear on my dead rabbit Rocky's grave to update my blog!

2010-01-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hey Bleaders(blog readers),

It has been so long, and I miss you.
I'm not even going to try to update you completely, the truth is...not much has changed since my last post. I still don't have a new job, I am currently residing in my parental's home...this is very temporary...i hope. I know what your thinking,"what a loser." I am not a loser, I am a winner.a poor, poor winner. This is the part where I discuss mall jobs. One might think that mall jobs are something to look down upon. Hours suck, pay sucks harder...so what are the benefits? Its all about social networking! networking with employees of other stores, and the endlessly new customers you see daily. You never know who you will meet. I'm not talking all the fancy new high class strip malls, I mean mall rat stomping ground. In the heart of ghettodome! Although I complained about my employment at Ritz Camera, the truth is that I would give anything to have that job. I met gypsies, local band legends, and just plain weirdos who you can't help but want to befriend. To the mall! I will apply everywhere.
Thanks for stopping by,

Amy

P.S. Go see my writing group's blog: thedive6.blogspot.com

It's always an adventure with you two!

2009-05-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

May 26th:

Today was my first day of freedom! oh freedom, you taste better than a whole carton of Americone Dream. On my first day of freedom I decided not to do anything business like. Instead, 2 of my favorite people in the world and I decided to get out and do something. First we headed to Main Street in Mesa and look through all the shops. we went to Milano's and bought a book of 1930's jazz, then we went to a military memorabilia, and antique shop. this was one of the best parts of the day. They had Nazi death head helmets, and newspapers from WWII, and my favorite...Cameras! They had one of the first Polaroid cameras from the 50's there! Amazing!!! Then we decided that the owner of the shop wasn't enough Asian chaos for us, so we headed to Main street in old Scottsdale to my one of my favorite places to eat. Malee's. They have the best spring rolls and creme brulee in the world. This deliciousness was followed by browsing through all the art Galleries. Collectively our favorite gallery was a little Russian art gallery featuring artists such as Slava Fokk, and Vadim Hlopetsky. They combined 2d and 3d elements in one picture, and they had very stylized people in them. WOW. I loved every second. But like I've said before everything good must come to an end. On the way home I started to feel sick. too much of a good thing can be bad, and I definetley had too much thai goodness. I was 10 seconds from tossing my cookies so, Brittany pulled over and I barely made it out of the car befor sharing ABC thai food with all of mill ave. Then i noticed that our back right tire was flat, and we were only a mile from home. this is the second time we've gotten a flat tire on one of our escapades! I still wasn't feeling well so I walked home while Shane and Brittany waited for AAA. What A day. well it was mostly good, thats all that matters. I figure it will be something else next time, because 3 flat tires would just be ridiculous...right?

The End...And a New Beginning

2009-05-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

May 25th:

The few hours turned into days, it seemed. The people came in and out like the tide. it brought in waves of trailer parks, Mexican street corners, and ebay entrepreneurs. They rummage through the forest of rik rak for a treasure: gold they can purchase for a piece of copper. I escape for 30 minutes. The shortest 30 min. of my life. With every sip of my soup, The time to return to a form of torture gets closer. I sip slow and day dream of the end. I imagine ripping off my kaki pleated skirt, right in front of the mall, lighting a match and watching it burn till theres only ashes. Then I watch the ashes of monotany be swept away by the wind, I feel the breeze of something new in my hair and I smile. I look down, the bowl is empty, time to return to the presence of greedy, rude, garage sale shoppers. But only for 2 hours. I return with a bounce of freedom in my step.

Just One More Day!!!

2009-05-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

May 24th:
My store is closing...well, its been closing for the last 6 weeks, but tomorrow is the last day. Which leave me with percentile of the Americans unemployed. I do have the opportunity to file for unemployment...free government money...yes please. Ritz Camera, you've treated me well and paid the bills, but all good things must come to an end I suppose. "What now?" you say. Well, other than trying to get free money, I have to move out of my condo by the end of the week. Homeless? no, I'm moving in with my uncle Dave who conveniently lives right down the street from my condo. I have a feeling its gonna be good times! "What else", you say. I have a full summer semester of school at MCC. This includes a studio recording class, and now without a job I have plenty of time to write music. besides lack of money, I feel like life is good. I now have what i've always dreamed of, the gift of time. I have time to do all the things I love. Write music, make art, and write.

Catching Up...

2009-05-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

May 23rd:
NO DOUBT!
Brittany and I got no doubt tickets monthes ago, and finally it was time for our faces to be rocked.
And boy were they! It began with an amazing Swedish band called The Sounds moved on to Paramore and then at last it was time for Gwen and her possy to take the stage. At this point Brittany was so excited she peed in her pants a little. I had no idea what to expect, I mean I know Gwen oozes with style, so I knew it had to be good. They all came out in all black and white spaceship crew outfits and i blew our minds for hours. we didnt want it to end. They played all the old goodies, even one of my favorites, "Nose Bleed"...I mean "Don't speak". It was a grand old time, even if we did lose the car.
I love you Clutch!

Moon Cheese Baby

2009-05-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

I know its been a few days, but before I catch you up, here is a little poetic treat:

"The Cheese Moon"
I've heard it said by many around,
That the moon is made of cheese they found.
It's mined by little spacemen mice,
Who sell it for a handsome price.

The cheese we eat all comes from there,
From cheddar valleys beyond compare.
And in the rivers of Wensleydale,
The mice scoop cheese in metal pails.

If you peek up you might just see,
The Gorgonzola heights of Ghee.
And to the left and up a bit,
On Stilton mountains mice do sit.

So next time you sit down to cheese,
Remember the mice on Parmezan seas.
Who work non stop in their spacemen hats,
Just glad that they're out of reach of cats!

By: Gareth Lancaster

Baby steps...my first blog

2009-05-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

What? Me? Blog? I guess so. Here I sit,enveloping my senses is the earthly scent of a bean. I tickle the keys of my friend in front of me, excitement pours through my digits as I edit my life for the world to see, I can be anything I want to be. A drama queen, My boyfriend cheated again. A Beet nick, steam rises from my cup *snap* snap*. Perhaps an emo, a tear tares black from the mask around my eyes, exposing me drop by drop to my closet floor.No, I want to be Me,HERE I AM, in all my eccentricities.